I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We left an ass print on the piano.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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