As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Someone signed my nipple.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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