Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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