So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
