Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
