I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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