I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
