he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
