I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
