Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Randomize
