the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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