I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
