Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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