hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
