you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
