I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
