I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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