Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
