Got a toothbrush?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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