i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
