Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
