Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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