I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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