I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
