Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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