I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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