i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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