my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
