I must be too annoying 4 u.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
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Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
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And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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