Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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