Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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