just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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