a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
