dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
