Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
