I am in a vortex of obligation.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
