I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
