I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
