The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
