he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
