Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
