He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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