I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I would ride that face into the sunset
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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