Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I need a burrito and a hug.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
