I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
