We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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