He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
