Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
