i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE