i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
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Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
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I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.