i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
