there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Gay?
German.
Pity.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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